Thank God the semester is starting and this is my last Bad Medieval Movie. I watched this two weeks ago, but I've been pretty busy getting geared up for three classes and two TA appointments. Exciting times! Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this pointless summer series.
King Arthur (2004)
I watched King Arthur with a couple of Stev/phens (same name, different spellings) on a lovely Wednesday eve, with copious popcorn and a couple of beers. We celebrated the end of the BMM series in style. And, as expected, it was pretty bad.
The film opens by explaining, a little too desperately, that we are about to hear the true story of King Arthur. And how do we know it's true? Because they're all dirty. Except for Clive Owen.
Arthur, or Arturius Castus (Clive Owen) is a Roman cavalry officer, with a Roman father and Celtic mother, in charge of a Sarmation auxiliary unit in Britain in the last quarter of the fifth century. Arthur and his pals Lancelot, Gawain, Bors (Ray Winstone), Tristan, Galahad, and Dagonet (Ray Stevenson) are hanging out and guarding Hadrian's Wall from the Woads who are led by Merlin. You'd think, with Beowulf and Titus Pullo amongst his men, it'd be a cake walk. They are nearing the end of their fifteen years of service, and are looking forward to retirement.
It is not to be. They are dispatched on one, last, Saving-Private-Ryan-esque mission by the evil Bishop Germanius. They need to go deep into Saxon territory to save the son of Marius Honorius, who is the pope's favorite godson and destined for the Holy See.
For a mission continually referred to as ridiculous, suicidal, and hopeless, it rather goes off without a hitch. They quickly find themselves at Marius' estate, where they find him oppressing his peasants in the name of God. Amongst the oppressed is Guinevere (KIera Knightly), a pagan being tortured along with her Scrappy Blond Childfriend. Guinevere has been denied food and is near starving to death. This is likely why they cast Kiera Knightly, who is continually on the verge of death by malnutrition:
Why are fighting women always scantily clad in strategically-placed leather straps in bad medieval movies? And where are Kiera's breasts? AND WHY ARE WOMEN ALWAYS FIGHTING?
They all set off to Rome to see Bishop Germanius. Guinevere takes Arthur to meet Merlin, who is revealed to be her father. Merlin suggests an alliance between the Woads and the Sarmatians. Then some Saxons attack and stuff.
I'm honestly not sure of the rest of the plot. I think it was about Clive Owen striking a series of hunky poses and saving England:
I accidentally ordered the Director's Cut from Netflix, and it was two and a half hours long, and nearly incomprehensible. There is a final battle, at Badon Hill, in which Beowulf AND Titus Pullo die. I was pretty sure they were screwed after this. But after almost all of his other knights die, including Lancelot and Tristan, Arthur and Guinevere somehow manage to survive and take out the Saxon leader. I don't know, I didn't care.
By the end of the film, Arthur has entirely lost his faith in the declining Roman empire. Arthur and Guinevere marry to cement the alliance, and Merlin declares Arthur his successor to the throne. They end by vaguely intimating that Lancelot, Tristan and Dognet may have been reincarnated as wild horses. Seriously. Their names, Lancelot intones over the screen fading to black, that their legend will live forever.
Phew. That's all, folks. Maybe I'll do some more bad medieval movies for winter break. Meanwhile, I will watch all the good movies I've been waiting to see.
Coming up soon: some ridiculous photos from Medieval Times. As soon as I find my memory card reader. Grumble.
Also: tomorrow I'm going on the annual family trip to the Tuxedo Park Ren Faire. More photos to follow!
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