Bad Medieval Movie: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

I need to start this review out with a request. I need you to know that everything I say in this review is 100%, sincerely and horrifically true. As you read the review, please keep this in mind. I didn't make any of this up, not the plot, not the casting, and not the script. It is an actual movie that I actually saw that actually exists. ALMOST THREE HOURS of all too real film. Look, I'll prove it, here's a trailer:



If a video game designer took a tremendous amount of hallucinogens, attended an Introduction to Medieval History lecture, and then fell asleep, this movie would be the awful, awful nightmare he had. It's either a very, very bad medieval movie, or a grotesque surrealist masterpiece. I can't tell.

Some background information before we begin: This film was directed by Uwe Boll. In case you are lucky enough to have never heard of him: He pretty much exclusively directs very, very bad film adaptations of video games, which he finances himself. Shockingly, he has a doctorate in literature. After this movie bombed, he said In the Name of the King would be his last large budget movie. That's either extremely fortunate or terribly tragic.

Anyway, Jason Statham plays Farmer. This is both his occupation and his name. Everyone calls him "Farmer:" his neighbors, his best friend, and his wife. It's weird. The movie begins with Farmer Farming. He is approached by his best friend, Norick, and OMG HE'S RON PERLMAN. Thank God he showed up and kept me from despairing. Norick tells Farmer that the king is recruiting and suggests they join the army. Farmer resists, saying he is happy just to be Farming and supporting his entirely too gorgeous peasant wife Solana (Claire Forlani) and his Scrappy Blond Child. His joy in Farming, however, has not prevented him from becoming quite the skilled huntsman. His weapons of choice are a boomerang and a machete. I'm serious.

There is an awkward bed scene that establishes that the are very much in love, though Farmer has serious issues verbalizing his feelings to his wife. The next day, Farmer bids his wife and child goodbye; they are off to the market town of Stonebridge, where they will sell vegetables and stay with Solana's parents. Farmer passionately kisses Solana and growls (he's Jason Statham, so everything is says is growled), "Be safe."

She smiles and bats her eyes flirtatiously. "Of course we'll be safe," she says.

They are not safe.

The market town is attacked by Krugs, who look sort of like Orcs covered in poop:



The Krugs are a vicious race who comprise the army of Gallian, an evil wizard trying to bring down the king. They kill Farmer's son and kidnap his wife. Now get this: the evil wizard is played by Ray Liotta, and the king is Burt Reynolds. And it only gets weirder, guys.



The movie's Token Moor, pictured above with BURT REYNOLDS THE KING, is the commander of the king's army. John Rhys-Davies plays the king's magus. Matthew Lillard is the king's drunken, cowardly, power-grubbing son. His entire performance is perfectly encapsulated in this short video clip:



Matthew Lillard is plotting with the Gallian the evil wizard to bring down his father. The king's daughter, played by Leelee Sobieski, has been seduced by Gallian in order to gain access to the king. He has been teaching her magic, which is something I imagine he regrets immensely later in the film.

Farmer, devastated at the loss of his family, rethinks his decision not to join the king's army. He makes his way to the king's castle with Norick, and Solana's brother. In the woods, they encounter some weird, half-nude, wood-nymphy women. I really thought I had fallen asleep and was having a bizarre nightmare at this point:



The forest chicks help Farmer and his band through the forest, where they encounter the Krug army on its way to attack the castle. Farmer and Norick kills lots and lots of Krugs with boomerangs and machetes. Unfortunately, Ron Perlman and the elf-looking guy are taken by Krugs and reunited with Solara. They make their way to the evil Krug kingdom, where Gallian intends to make them all slaves. This exchange occurs as they approach the stronghold:

NORICK: Is this where we pay for our sins?
SOLARA: No, this is where we pay for our virtues. Sin is more than welcome here.

Farmer joins up with the king's army, and we learn that he is in fact the king's son, who abandoned a life of power and luxury in order to Farm. The king, slowly dying of poison after Matthew Lillard betrays him, makes Farmer king. They all set out to defeat Gallian and the Krugs.

The climactic battle scene is well over an hour long, and it is ineffable. It was a terrifying mix of boomerangs, Orcs, knights, ninjas (yes, ninjas), half-nude ladies swinging on vines, more tragic Ron Perlman death, and the most bizarre wizard fight you ever saw (mainly because it features Ray Liotta, Leelee Sobieski and John Rhys-Davies. At some point it ended, and

Anyway, I have no idea how to review this movie. I could show you so many more clips, and quote so many more awful lines, but what all it comes down to is that you really, really need to see it. It's the most ecstatically and cathartically bad movie I've ever seen.

Dante's Inferno Game Footage

I know you've all been waiting for it as breathlessly as I have! You'll have to enter your birthdate:



GUYS. Check out Dante's armor. CHECK IT OUT. LOOK AT THE UNBAPTIZED DEMON BABIES HE SLAYS. This game looks like the movie Michael Bay would make if someone briefly described La Comedia to him.

The game site also has this extremely useful guide to the life and works of Dante. With narration!

Bad medieval movie fail

I had intended to review Luther this week, but it just didn't happen. I watched it over the holiday weekend, I took notes and everything, but I just can't review it. It just....wasn't that bad. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't good, but it wasn't that bad either. It was just kind of okay.

So instead of slaving over a review that won't be terribly interesting, I'm going to skip it and go straight to In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. This one will certainly be bad, for a number of reasons:

1) Check out that subtitle.
2) It has Jason Statham in it.
3) It's based on a video game.

In the meantime, you can check out this parody of Phantom of the Opera I wrote with my good friend and co-writer Gil Varod.

School Built on Cemetery Provides Lesson in History

Thanks Ris!

TOLEDO, Spain — As this medieval hilltop city baked in the afternoon heat, a group of Jewish leaders gathered beside a freshly dug grave and lowered into it small bundles of flaking, ancient bones. With prayers and a plea for forgiveness for disturbing the peace of more than 100 medieval souls, they laid them to rest in the cool, reddish earth.

The quiet ceremony in late June concluded months of delicate negotiations between Jewish groups and Spanish authorities over the fate of the remains of 103 Spanish Jews whose graves were excavated last year during the construction of a school building in a suburb of this historic city.

The exhumation drew international condemnation from Jewish representatives and became an important battleground in the quest to preserve Jewish cemeteries all around Spain, remnants of a thriving community that made Toledo its capital before being expelled by Spain’s Roman Catholic monarchs in 1492.

The dispute pitted the exigencies of modern society against the rights of a scattered people for whom a permanent tomb is a crucial religious requirement. It stirred friction between Jewish groups eager to protect their heritage but divided over how to deal with a secular government.

“Toledo is central to Jewish history,” said David Stoleru, a co-founder of the Center of Studies Zakhor in Barcelona, a research group dedicated to preserving Jewish heritage. “The state has a duty to protect that legacy.”

“This issue has international repercussions,” Mr. Stoleru said. “It’s not just affecting the Jewish community in Spain but the sensibility of an entire people.”

The controversy began in September, when builders digging a new foundation at the Azarquiel High School discovered dozens of graves, believed to be part of a Jewish cemetery dating from around the 13th century. The cemetery may extend well beyond the grounds of the school; Mr. Stoleru said he recently saw bones in the ground at another nearby construction site.

The government of Castilla-La Mancha, the parched region of which Toledo is the tourist-mobbed capital, halted the digging and stored the remains at a museum pending discussions with the Federation of Jewish Communities of Spain, which represents Spain’s 40,000 Jews.

Jewish representatives suggested building a raised foundation to sit above the graves but were told this would be difficult and expensive, according to rabbis and government officials involved in the talks.

María Soledad Herrero, who runs the regional government’s culture department, said the authorities had to balance the needs of history with those of students.

“Nobody knows the importance of Spain’s Jewish heritage better than we in Toledo,” she said by telephone. “But we can’t put 1,000 pupils on the street.”

As talks dragged on, the economic pressure grew, and in February the authorities ordered construction to restart. The facts on the ground built their own momentum: by mid-June, a foundation had been laid and the skeleton of a two-story building stood above the grave site.

Meanwhile, international protests spread to New York, Israel and Canada. Rabbi David Niederman, president of the United Jewish Organizations of Williamsburg, visited Spain to protest the exhumation, which he said was tantamount to a second expulsion. Thousands of black-clad Orthodox Jews gathered in a Brooklyn hotel in May to mourn the desecration.

Finally, on June 18, the parties agreed to bury the remains close to the original graves but clear of the construction site.

Dalia Levinsohn, secretary general of the Federation of Jewish Communities of Spain, hailed the agreement as the best solution available and dismissed criticism from groups that advocated a harder line.

“We did what we could,” she said by telephone. “If you kick up a big fuss, the next time someone finds remains they won’t say a word to us.”

However, Toledo’s symbolism made it an important, and distressing, precedent, preservationists and religious leaders said.

“This is not an example we want to repeat,” said Rabbi Moshe Bendahan, Spain’s chief rabbi, who helped to broker the agreement. “The model would be to not excavate the remains in the first place.”

Religious representatives in Toledo said the city should seize on a revival in interest in Spain’s Jewish past to promote understanding. The city, which is home to two of Spain’s last three medieval synagogues, but has virtually no practicing Jewish population, flaunts its history: its cobblestone streets are lined with shops selling swords, pottery and medieval figurines, and a small tram packed with tourists curls past its monuments.

The regional government has shown a willingness to sacrifice modern construction for the sake of preserving historic sites: three years ago it stopped plans by a private developer to build 1,300 apartments in Toledo after diggers uncovered a Visigothic town. The 210-acre site is now protected and is set to be transformed into a museum and research center.

Toledo is by no means the first city to face controversy over a Jewish burial site in Europe, where preservationists have battled exhumations from Prague to Vilnius, Lithuania. The remains of more than 150 people were exhumed from a medieval cemetery in Tarrega, in the Catalonia region, two years ago and reburied in a cemetery in Barcelona.

Nor is the news all negative: in May, Catalonia’s regional government declared the Jewish cemetery on Mont Juic, in Barcelona, a cultural heritage site.

Ms. Levinsohn said the federation would seek to sign protocols with Spain’s 17 regional governments to better safeguard Jewish cemeteries. Under Spanish law, when ancient human remains are found they are exhumed and stored for archaeological study. Jewish preservationists said Spain should also identify and map what Jewish leaders say they believe could be hundreds of unmarked cemeteries.

For Mr. Stoleru, the issue of Jewish graves raises questions about how modern, secular Spain reconciles itself with dark chapters of its history, like the expulsion and forced conversion of thousands of Jews and Muslims during the Inquisition.

“We need to reflect much more deeply about the expulsion and use history to inform our daily actions,” he said. “Jewish heritage in Spain should not be a museum piece. It should be a tool for teaching tolerance and diversity.”

After centuries, Venice gets female gondolier

After centuries, Venice gets female gondolier

Thanks Michael!

AFTER nine centuries of keeping women on dry land, Venice has broken with tradition by approving its first female gondolier.

Giorgia Boscolo, 23, a mother of two, came through a gruelling course, which included 400 hours of instruction, to enter an all-male club that has resisted admitting women. "I am immensely happy and proud, but today my day starts like every other, taking the children to school," she said.

"I've always loved gondolas and unlike my three sisters I preferred to row with my father instead of going out with my friends."

She denied that she would not have the physical strength to manoeuvre gondolas, saying: "Childbirth is much more difficult."

Venice introduced a gondoliering course in 2007 after centuries during which the trade was handed down from father to son.

Ms Boscolo's father, Dante, also a gondolier, said he still had reservations about his daughter ferrying tourists up the Grand Canal. "I still think being a gondolier is a man's job, but I am sure that with experience Giorgia will be able to do it easily," he said.

During the six-month course, students learn how to steer their gondolas and must show a perfect knowledge of Venice's canals.

Another woman taking the course, German-American Alexandra Hai, did not pass muster, despite having spent the past 12 years trying to become a gondolier. Even before the launch of the official course, she took the gondoliers' test four times, blaming examiners for being "overly strict" when she failed.

Bad Medieval Movies: The Last Legion

As I began to write this last night, I watched James Purefoy's new NBC show, The Philanthropist. It's about James Purefoy being rich and beautiful and white, and using his enormous wealth to save third world kids. He's all motorcycling through Nigeria, barefoot, transporting vaccines and saving kids from floods. Next week, he's going to help a Chinese child get a kidney transplant. The writing is pretty awful, and I don't know how much of this my tired brain can take. But I think my love for the Purefoy will keep me watching. Maybe with no sound.

Speaking of the Purefoy, it's really shocking how many Rome stars pop up in these things. Kevin McKidd, who played Lucius Vorenus on Rome, appears here as an angry, angry Goth, Wulfila.



He was the one good thing about this movie. Cast members from Rome tend to be the One Good Thing about a lot of bad medieval movies.

The Last Legion (2007)!



This was easily the worst medieval movie I've watched so far. The writing was atrocious, it was horribly miscast, and there was a notable lack of date-checking. Point of fact: The opening titles tell us that what we are about to see takes place in Rome, 460 A.D. Romulus Augustus is crowned the day after the movie opens (actually, he probably hadn't been born yet, but who's counting?). THAT NIGHT, Odoacer invades, and the empire falls. This seems as though it would have been fairly easy to correct, but I'm not a filmmaker, so what do I know.

Before all this ridiculousness, however, there is a narrated prelude from Ambrosinus (Ben Kingsley). He tells us the legend of a sword once belonging to Julius Caesar, that was hidden away so that it wouldn't fall into the clutches of evil men. Ambrosinus is a Druid and part of a secret society sworn to protect the sword. But he doesn't know where it is, and so has traveled the known world searching for it. By 460 he has ended up in Rome as Romulus Augustus' tutor. Romulus is played by Thomas Sangster, a youngster who is no stranger to bad medieval movies- he played young Tristan in Tristan and Isolde.

Romulus Augustus is a Scrappy Blond Kid (further proving my theory from the previous review) who has a tendency to sneak out of the palace and get into trouble. On this day, Romulus sneaks into the tent of General Aurelius, played by Colin Firth.

Rule #1 for making a Late Antique Movie: Don't cast Colin Firth as a bad-ass, hard-core Roman general. In fact, don't cast him as a bad-ass anything.



It just doesn't work, and I didn't buy it, not once. He should only be Mr Darcy, or a dad.

Anyway, Aurelius finds the kid messing around with his stuff, and thinking he's just a Scrappy Blond Street Urchin, threatens and humiliates him publicly. Ambrosinus comes to his defense, revealing a wicked scar on his chest in the shape of a sword and a pentagram. He performs a weird magic trick, and leads Rom back to the palace, where Romulus' folks tell them how excited they are for tomorrow's coronation, and send Ambrosinus away for teaching their son too much. I don't know.

The night before the coronation, Odoacer comes to the palace and demands a third of Italy from Rom's dad, Orestes, who is acting as regent. Orestes refuses, and Odoacer storms away.

Then there's a coronation!



Cut to Ambrosinus leaving Rome, having a flashback about getting his wicked scar. We see him being attacked by a large man in a gold mask, who brands him with his necklace.

Aurelius sees that the new emperor is in fact the Small Scrappy Child he harassed the day before. He looks rather frightened, but the new emperor forgives him for his arrogant behavior, and Aurelius swears to protect Rom with his very life.

And fails immediately. THAT NIGHT, Odoacer and his Goths attack and take Rome. This is where we meet Wulfila, who kicks the crap out of Colin Firth, kills Rom's parents, and is about to kill Rom when he hides in a tree.

The sun rises. Everyone in Rome is dead. But Colin Firth is okay.

Odoacer is sitting on the throne, gloating. An emissary comes from Constantinople (he must have caught the Red-Eye) to recognize him as the rightful emperor of Rome. Rom comes out of hiding, and is threatened by Odoacer:



He is about to kill the young emperor when Ambrosinus comes back! He convinces Odoacer, with a faked omen, that Rom is worth much more alive than dead (to the great consternation of Wolfila), and Odoacer agrees. In return, Odoacer exiles the two of them to Capri.

Wulfila sets off to bring Ambrosinus and the boy to Capri, and Aurelius sets off in pursuit, true to his word. Aurelius is attacked by some Goths on the road, and is rescued by a masked someone. The rescuer takes off the mask to reveal that she is a WOMAN of all things!



She is Mira (Aishwarya Rai), trained in the Indian martial art of Kalarippayattu. Aurelius and Mira will have an extremely drawn out, unconvincing, and boring flirtation for the rest of the movie. It is best summed up by this picture:



Wulfila drops Ambrosinus and Rom in Capri, and strings Ambrosinus up, suspended over the sea, just to piss him off.



From his peculiar viewpoint, Ambrosinus can see that Rom is standing on a pentagram. The sword must be nearby! How fortunate that Wulfila abandoned them on this very spot. Ambrosinus talks Rom down into a temple, where he finds a sword in a stone. He pulls it the hell out of there.

The kid goes to kill a sleeping Wulfila, who wakes up just before Rom can strike. Fortunately, Aurelius, Mira and their gang show up at this exact moment and save Rom. Aurelius' gang, by the way, contains a Token Moor, a character that seems to be a staple of bad medieval movies.



Ambrosinus has somehow miraculously extracted himself from where he is suspended, despite the fact that we have seen several times now that every time he seems to perform magic, it is in fact an elaborate ruse. I just don't see how he got out of this one.

The reunited gang decide to head to Britain, where the last surviving Roman legion is. Wulfila scowls, and sets off in pursuit.

On the road, our gang of heroes passes by a village that has been destroyed. "Who could have done this?" Aurelius asks. Ambrosinus answers, "Only one person could have done this."

Because only ONE PERSON pillaged and destroyed in late antique Europe, right?

Five minutes later, everyone arrives in Britain. Upon arriving, they learn that the legion was in fact destroyed by the powerful warlord Vortgyn, who is the guy in a gold mask that branded Ambrosinus, and is the only one person who could have destroyed that village.

We cut to Wulfila, who is meeting with Vortgyn to make a pact. I should mention at this point that we were watching the movie with subtitles on, as the sound mixing was a bit weird and I couldn't hear everything everyone was saying. As Wulfila approached Vortgyn, a title came up that said "(sighs tremulously)", and that struck us all as very funny. It is revealed here that Vortgyn and Ambrosinus are old enemies (as hinted by the branding incident), and that he seeks the sword Rom carries so that he may rule all of Britain.

After an awkward scene of Aurelius and Mira sword fighting and flirting and sword fighting and flirting, Vortgyn attacks the English village where our gang is holed up with the remnants of the last legion. Initially, the legion refuses to fight, having grown used to the sedentary life and unwilling to visit destruction upon their village. The battle seems helpless at first, until the members of the legion change their minds and help turn the tide of battle. Rom, hefting the sword, manages to slay Wulfila, while Ambrosinus has a final showdown with Vortgyn. Ambrosinus burns him alive, and everyone stops fighting.

Rom, disgusted with all the bloodshed, throws the sword away, which miraculously lodges itself in a stone. "No more blood! No more war!" he says.

And there was never any war again! Just kidding.

Flash forward to Ambrosinus walking with a little kid. He tells the child that Rom went on to be king, and took the Celtic name Pendragon. Uther Pendragon, to be precise. The child goggles, as he realizes Ambrosinus is talking about his father. That means he's Arthur! Ambrosinus himself took the name Merlin, as we all may have guessed by this point.

The end.

This one took me a while to get through, I have to admit. I didn't realize how quickly I'd grow tired of watching bad movies! Ah well. I'm doing it for internet fame.

Let's just end with another picture of James Purefoy, for fun.



Ahn. Next up: Luther.

Bad Medieval Movies: Coming Soon.

UGH. Last night I watched The Last Legion, and it was easily the worst movie I've watched so far. Seriously, it made Outlander look like Citizen Kane.

Unfortunately, I left my movie notes at home this morning, so there won't be a write-up until tomorrow night. For now, a word to the wise: DON'T cast Colin Firth as a bad-ass Roman general. Don't cast Colin Firth as a bad-ass anything! It's utterly unconvincing. He should only be cast as Mr. Darcy, or a dad.

In the meantime, check out this lovely review of Darwin Carmichael. Sophie and I are pleased as punch.